Emotional abuse

I was slowly turning into ashes, I settled for your silence. I only wanted to keep wrapping myself around your shadow. I didn’t realise I wasn’t losing you, I was losing myself...

I used to love you so much that my life was fading away as the days went by.

Craving your crumbs of love and sympathy hugs,

because your touch no longer had affection, it only had drops of condolences for the love that had died without a proper burial. 

I don’t know...

Sometimes I believed you would change, I excused and normalised your behaviour.

I wanted to understand what didn’t have an explanation.

I didn’t want to resign myself to believe it had ended, because we promised to be together forever.

But what’s really “forever” to you?

You forgot your promises, but I...

forgot about myself even more. 

I forgot how to stop becoming part of your false promises of change, I forgot I was a human being...

I looked like a machine at your feet, idolising you daily with  erroneous ideas that I had of you...

Because I was making you up, how could I not love you if everything you are is just a creation made up by my own head? 

A hallucination of what I wanted. It’s just that when we fall in love...

We make of that person somebody who is “inimitable” and we give them virtues they don’t possess. 

We place them on the highest pedestal and the worst thing is that we make sure they know it.

And we...

Become small, subdued while loving somebody who doesn’t exist.

I let go of my expectations to accept you.

As my expectations lowered to match you...

Your ego grew and your expectations of me too.

As I accepted you more, you accepted me less. 

I used to love you to the point of forgiving you innumerable amounts of times, without you having to apologise first...

But when I made a small mistake...

Your forgiveness never came. 

I exceeded the forgive 70 times 7 rule because I believed that after you...

There would be nothing else left.

Your half hearted promises became my most needed words of empty love on hold.

Because that’s all it was, an empty love waiting on the line for somebody, for me or for you to finally hang up that call.

Please, stop thinking that every long message meant  

“I want you back”

I don’t, I smile when you’re away from me.

I’m not writing this because I want know about you or because I want you to call me. 

I’m writing to you because I found no other way to let all this out.

In the past, I used to hate any woman who got too close to you but today...

I only pity the girl who is or will end up with you, 

but I know that just like me...

She will learn the lesson too, because she couldn’t have gotten a better teacher of emotional abuse like you. 

My first executioner, my first pain, you...

My biggest mistake. 

Me, blinded by you...

And you, blinded by your ego. 

I used to be in love with you and you...

Well, there must be something out here that you could be able to love.