Not my valentine

 

Author’s note: This is one of the most bittersweet ends to a cycle I thought would last for a long time. I laughed, cried and loved hard…I finally said that it was enough.

(Song I listened to while writing: favourite crime by Olivia Rodrigo)

He won’t be there, my valentine is dead.

At least to me, in the funeral I held for him in my head

He was here a year ago, with the promise that we’d stay together for long

A year ago…If you had asked me I never saw him gone

I never saw our relationship and connection going rogue.

Going anywhere except where it was meant to remain…Right at home.

I’m not the same woman I was back then, I was still figuring out myself, a little naive and clear in my beliefs. But then he came…

Doors swung open and the curtains were swooshed by strong winds of butterflies and feelings.

It was exhilarating and normal at the beginning, and I wish it had remained that way.

But then the fighting, jealousy and yelling came through the door, invading the castle we had built together with the hope to spend the rest of our lives making one another laugh.

But it was not meant to be…Sure I made my mistakes…

But we choose how to react, you could’ve chosen to walk away silently and be gentle. You could’ve chosen kindness and to listen…

But instead you chose to control me, berate me, drill my head into a bloodbath and cut the wires in my brain beyond repair. 

I spent my nights in vigil, because falling asleep by your side felt unpredictable.

I said goodbye more times than the times I should have actually left…

Why do we have to have lessons and understand we need growth at the expense of someone’s mental health? 

So, what do I do now that I have a heart tore into mere small particles…barely atoms anymore…

I have bitterness and an anger that I wish I had never met

You broke me until I was chopped up pieces rotting slowly on the ground, barely a woman anymore…

A corpse, merely remains

Just a ghost of myself

You’re not my valentine,
Not this year

Nor will you ever be

Nor do I want you to be

Maybe you could be someone else’s…

I fiercely pray that no other has to meet my same broken fate by your hands and mind.

You punished me for loving you, because you hated yourself

Loving you felt like a punishment

You were the executioner.

But we’re strangers now

You’re not my valentine

And my heart feels a bittersweet peace, after all the chaos and storm…

The peace I found in not feeling your presence around almost feels like committing an even more severe crime than the one you committed with me.