A pretty tale

Today I will mourn her,

The woman I used to be

I’ll stand in front of the graveyard stone where her named has been carefully carved, where she is supposed to rest and place a bouquet of daisies on top of it.

I will mourn the rage that was contained within me, I will even mourn the smokiness in the air and cry at the sight of parts of me that perished in the fire, now turned into ashes on the ground

I will mourn the trust that was easily handed over to the wrong hands

I will mourn every dream she tried to pursue, and all her unfulfilled plans

I will mourn every song and movie she fell out of love, I will mourn them instead of mourning the people who are the reason why she no longer likes those.

I will mourn her with melancholy but happiness, I will reminisce her rough edges.

The days I look at love with skepticism and boredom…I will mourn the way she looked at love in the eyes with a wide eyed gaze. 

I will extend my mourning period every time I’m reminded she used to be the opposite of meek.

She was unapologetically loud, she didn’t mind telling you the truth and showing you her teeth

I wish I could reimagine her story, try and rewrite her perfect ending or a couple of alternative ones.

All I can do now is embrace a part of myself that is long gone, but somehow remains as a foundation of who I am now.

However…There are nights and days I miss her, there are things I wanted her to feel and see for herself.

She may not get the chance to ever find her way back, I will no longer be making a vow

Not with her

While she got completely lost in a maze, I was able to make it out…

Every wrong step she took was a mistake that became so engrained in my brain that I was able to trace my way out by remembering to not follow the same steps, the same mistakes.

I had to leave her there, she let go of my grip and I cannot hold onto a part of myself that refuses to be helped.

I wish I could feel as alive as her somedays…

I’m a mellowed down version of her.

So I will mourn her, tonight.

I will mourn the way she used to love..

I will miss her tomorrow…

And maybe until I’m already beneath the ground.